Monday, April 4, 2011

My Junk Has Come In!

I’m taking a small break in my blog tour to share some fantastic news--I got the following Facebook message recently, and I’m overjoyed! I’m going to be rich! (Poor Cousin Tom, I hardly knew ye!)

Hello dear,

I presumed that all is well with you and your family. Please let this proposal not come to you as a surprise, because we haven't met before. My name is Mr. [name redacted], I'm an employee of Bank of China (UK) Limited London. I am also a member of an Ad hoc committee recently set up by the British Government to look into growing number of dormant accounts in UK banks due to deaths of customers, with a view to finding ways of locating relatives of the dead customers. The British Government is already working with some NGO'S through the unclaimed Assets Register, to confiscate and divert unclaimed depositor's funds to help the bad economy.
Read this article below: [link redacted]

This transaction involves a customer (Late Mr. Thomas Orloff) who shares the same surname with you and also the circumstances surrounding huge deposits of British Pounds made by this client at the private banking arm of my bank "Bank of China, UK". The Bank of China Private Banking customer died in testate and nominated no successor in title over the huge deposits of GBP36,759,000.00 made with my bank. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this email private and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this email.

I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this email private [oops!] and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this email. I'm contacting you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication between you and I. I would like to intimate you with facts that I believe would be of interest to you.I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. I assure you that I can have the deposit released to you within few days once you accept this proposal. Upon receipt of the deposit, I'm prepared to share the money with you 50/50.

I am aware of the consequences of this proposal. I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail. I ask that you do not be vindictive and destructive. If my offer is of no appeal to you, delete this message and forget I ever contacted you. Do not destroy my career because you do not approve of my proposal. You may not know this but people like me who have made tidy sums out of comparable situations run the whole private banking sector. I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience, this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this move.

Such opportunities only come ones in a lifetime. I cannot let this chance pass me by, for once; I have found myself in total control of my destiny. These chances won't pass me by. I ask that you do not destroy my chance, if you will not work with me let me know and let me move on with my life but do not destroy me. I am a family man and this is an opportunity to change my life for good. Moreover, my 12 yrs old daughter, my only child, is suffering from Leukemia and she needs an urgent bone marrow surgery in California as advised by my family doctor. But it will cost me around US$100,000.00 to take her for the surgery. And that is why I’m eager to utilize this opportunity since our family doctor has given my daughter just three months to live.

There is a reward for this project and it is a task well worth undertaking. I have evaluated the risks and the only risk I have here is from you refusing to work with me. I am the only one who knows of this situation, good fortune has blessed you with a name that has planted you into the center of relevance in my life. Let’s share the blessing.

If you give me positive signals, I will initiate this process towards a conclusion.

I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences, but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold. This is the one truth I have learned from my private banking customers. Do not betray my confidence. If we can be of one accord, we should plan a meeting, soon.

Anticipating your immediate response through my private email-[redacted]
Mr. [name redacted]



Elizabeth Spann Craig said...

Ahhh....a little phishing expedition, huh? Too funny! By putting this on your blog, are you being 'vindictive and destructive?'

You know, this has the basis for a decent mystery...

Anonymous said...

Alan - Oh, I just love< this! How exciting that you're going to be so wealthy ;-). This is just hilarious...

Alan Orloff said...

Elizabeth and Margot - This is your lucky day. I pledge to split all my proceeds from this venture with everyone who comments on today's blog. We can all retire in style together!